Today's Forecast

[Admin]

Welcome to the Today's Forecast thread. Here you will find all of the old forecasts and be able to add a new one. To do so, just hit reply, type it in, and increase the start option in template:forecast. This will make your new forecast appear first.

[Admin]

Watch Out for these Motherfuckers. They will kill you.

Today's Daily Forecast is brought to you by the Viking News Network (VNN) "Pillaging your Community, for our benefit."

This morning's weather will be characterized by sunny skies, but by midday a Viking front should be moving in. Today is a bad time to be small, weak, defenseless, a Monastery, or an Anglo-Saxon, as the Vikings are feeling particularly bloodthirsty today. It appears that the front will be staying in the region for some time, but by Tuesday, the Viking invaders will most likely convert to Christianity, leaving you with a fine Catholic weekend.

--Zarkov Atreas, 01 July 2006

[Admin]

UMA's mascot goes on killing spree, keep your magic arrows and St. George Medals close.

The Daily Forecast is brought to you by the Medieval Standard Bearer (MBS) "You are a Witch, and The Apocalypse is upon us."

Unfortantly there will be no Brittish Invasions any time soon. I regret to inform you that tonight's view of the fireworks will most likely be ruined by a brood of dragons due to hatch out this morning. If we are lucky the current Norman front sitting over the Bay Area will try to fight off the dragons, but incineration looks likely. My advice to you is: break out your asbestos longjohns and your Nathan's Hotdogs and have a good evening.

--Zarkov Atreas, 04 July 2006

[Ott0]

Shiva completes his manifestation of Italy vs. France 2006.

Today's Forecast is brought to you by International Sand Sculptor Shiva Omprakash (ISSSO): "People compete. And I represent them in fucking sand."

Hun leader Attila reportedly bet his entire stock of plundered Italian goods on France. Said Attila of Italy: "I destroyed that country. They have no chance." If fate smiles upon Italy and bestows its team with a victory tommorrow, the Hun A-lister has promised a massive global revenge strike by the rejuvinated Hun army. "I have troops garrisoned in all countries with a Human Development Index greater than 0.700," said the Number One Hun. "If the shit nest of Europe wins, we [Huns] are going to party. And by party, I mean carry out genocide." Remember, a Hun's skull is five to seven times thicker than that of a normal human. That trusty baseball bat will not do the trick. Best go go out and get that shotgun you've always wanted.

[Ott0]

Image:Do you really want an image?

Today's Daily Forecast is brought to you by Flaming Fecals, Inc., providers of quality dried pieces of crap for use in fireplaces and outdoor barbeques: "We provide the poop. You do the rest."

The Global Federation for the Eradication of Shite was reportedly behind the brutal actions of soccer star Zinedine Zidane's headbutting of Italian Marco Materazzi. "They offered to pay him [Zidane] a million euros to do that" said Jon Slathom of FecesWatch International. Why? "The ensuing love-fest in Italy, which was guaranteed to take place on account of the country's intense pride for its team, provided the perfect breeding ground for GFES's excrement-eliminating virus" said Jon. "And with Zidane out, Italy was guaranteed to win." The virus has already begun to spread among the fervent Italians, causing them to not have to go the bathroom anymore. Be on the lookout for it to spread to your country. The only known preventative measure is to squeeze your buttocks together really hard. If you let up, even for a second, you will be able to receive the virus.

[Ott0]

Hopefully that one wasn't too out-of-hand.

[Ott0]

Those Beans look Tasty

Today's Daily Forecast is brought to you by The Fireside Bean -proudly serving the English speaking community of hobos and bums in North America, excluding all countries south of Mexico.

We can expect years of continued economic downturn, but don't that let that get you down, because afterall, you can still dance. Get out them dancing smiles and that jug of good old XXX (and I mean alcohol, not pornography). The Current exchange rate is two ciggaretes for each can of beans, but One-eyed Joe, writes in to tell us that he expects a fall in the relative price of beans shortly. By Thursday, the winds should let up, giving all you hobos in the East a chance to wipe all that dustbowl dirt offa y'all. It is reported that there will be work in California on Friday, so get hoping dem trains if you wanna git there in time. There should be rain across the Northeast and in the South this weekend, so we at The Fireside Bean advise holeing up in your boxcars with your harmonicas for most out it. Until next time, remember, If life won't give no mo,' just be a hobo.

--Zarkov Atreas, 11 July 2006

[Zarkov Atreas]

Where are your manners? Look him in the eyes, people. Especially you D'Ho

Damn

Today's Daily Forecast is brought to you by the The Classics -We're old, we're dead.

You may have noticed last night that there was a a great many pseudo-greeks/romans running around last night. They may have accosted you, raped your land, burned your women, or salted your village. Wait. No. No. They salted your women, burned your land, and raped your village. Wait, that's not it either, never mind. In any event, the greatest concentration of these toga wearing, dancing fiends was near 1225 lakeview, but the highpressure front that ushered them in, broke this morning, allowing heavy morning fog to drift into lowlying areas. Unfortunatly, as glorious as their partying was, it was utterly destoyed by incoming Vikings, who crashed it. They get their shit right. They don't mix up what needs to be burned and what needs to be salted. Expect intermitent Viking raids for the next few hours, followed by a heavy influx of lumberjacks tomarrow and during the weekend.

--~~~

[Danielleybus]

I'm offended as a patron of the arts. How dare you, Tyson Read! --danielleybus

[Zarkov Atreas]

Need I say more?

This picture should drench any real lumberjack in his own saliva

Today's Daily Forecast is brought to you by the fine men of The Flannel Axe- sevring the needs manly of the lumberjack community.

Well, An influx of Lumberjacks has indeed pushed out the Vikings, but we have been fortunate enough to avoid bloodshed. When the two armies met, they mostly just talked about axes and other such manly things. The Vikings left shortly after. Expect your flannel to be stolen and you women to be wooed by charming, terrribly manly lumberjacks. Did I mention how manly Lumberjacks are? Lumberjacks can karatechop down a tree but they use axes because they are more awesome. Yes, expect them to stay for sometime, as they wll probably be enjoying themselves, eating pancakes, dancing, wooing women, getting sex change operations. Oh, wait, we don't talk about that last one. But let me tell you, what's sexier than I big, burly, bearded man in a dress? They will also be singing, and chopping down trees with abandon, not because they hate nature but beacuse, once again, deforestation is extrememly masculine. So enjoy your Lumberjack overlords and keep watching for the next update.

[Zarkov Atreas]

Would I lie to you? I'm not exaggerating it fucking hot

Today's Daily Forecast is Brought to you by... me, Zarkov Atreas -Serving the needs of Midwiki, Vikings, Lumberjacks, Samurai, Blacksmiths, and other citizens of The Republic of Awesome (And I ain't serving any of those perverted sexual needs, if thats what you were thinking, you perverted bastard!)

Well, well, you don't need me to tell you this (I hope), but it's pretty fucking hot out today. I mean it's debilitatingy hot, there isn't anything you can do without looking like you just came back from a jog, and don't you even think about jogging in this heat. My top suggestion for today is to sleep through it and to wake up this evening, when it should cool down. Other recommended activities include swiming, basking in air conditioning, toughing the heat out like a man, or taking a vacationing to Antarica or the Southern Hemisphere. Some dirty liberals may blame this heat spell on the rise of greenhouse gasses, but they all got thier heads up thier small intestines. The reason for the ungodly heat is clear, an angry sun. Yes, you heard it, Apollo is angry at us once angain and has decided to punish us for our sins. The heat wave should continue for the next week or so until the U.N. decides to implement operation Dark Storm (That was for you ConJoe), we Nuke the sun into submission, or we all worship Apollo. This Forecaster demands a Nuclear barrage, I say, lets give that damn sun some of its own radiation medicine. Please join me in writting your congressmen or President Bush at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Washington DC.

[Zarkov Atreas]

Arrows Don't Stop Samurai. Don't even try to shoot them.

Today's Daily Forecast is brought to you by The Singing Katana -for Samurai, by Samurai

Billowing Clouds

Stream overhead

The Sky shivers with lightning

The moon veils

it's powdered face

in wisping mist and fog

The Sun reposes

Weary of its angry assaults

Well, I don't know what that means, but I think what the Samurai are trying to say is: expect cooler, partly cloudy conditoins, with a chance thunderstorm and a cloudy evening sky. Wow, haiku is inefficient. Anyways. Yeah. I don't think there will be any Samurai invasions, as awesome as that would be. The lumberjacks seem to be sitting pretty, but they should get out of here soon, as most of the trees will be cut down, and all of our pancakes will be eaten. After those two things are gone, there really isn't any point in them staying here. Oh, and Larry the Lumberjack wants to be callled Loreta. Iff you mess up, he'll, oh shit, she will take an axe to yer face. Signing off...

[Zarkov Atreas]

Today's Daily Forecast is brought to you by Zarkov Atreas, a senior member of the Midwiki Community, -Trying to find the Middle Path, and stick to it."

WARNING: TODAY'S DAILY FORECST IS NOT COMICAL, IF THAT IS WHAT YOU DESIRE, PLEASE REVIEW PREVIOUS FORECASTS OR WAIT UNTIL THE NEXT UPDATING

An Apology: Sorry guys. I'm not feeling tht funny today, so you'll either have to mosey elsewhere, or put up.

Today is going to be hot. Not by anymeans in way of attraction or in sexual appeal, but in temperature only. To be honest with you, which I of course always try to do, I think that today will be far to hot for anything, unless it involves air conditioning or a two to one ratio of hydrogen to oxygen. Tonight though may prove interestin for all of you, and I hope that your activities tonight, however shameless they may be, are enjoyable and not without purpose. For the weekend, the newsmen say it will be just as hot, but I always hesistate to beleive them. Remember always that the antonym of partly cloudy is mostly sunny. I ask you to take a look at the witing contest, please send me themes you would like to see for August. Oh, and good luck to Joe for his swimming competitions.

[Ott0]

Zarkov, you must have an inate comical drive, because I found several statements from that forecast to be at least mildly amusing.

[Zarkov Atreas]

How do you like that, Mutherfucker. I Hate you.

Today's Daily Forecast is brought to you by Promethius Lighting- "Owning you all in the next few billion years"

Holy fucking christ, it is ungodly hot outside. It is so hot in fact, that every last one of the damn lumberjacks has died from heat stroke (it was the flannel). It doesn't look like things will be geting better anytime soon, but I will say that the sun can't keep this heat up much longer. Pretty soon, somewhere in the next few hundered billion years or so, it will burn itself out. Sooner at this rate. Now you can bet your bupkus that when that happens the flashlight companies will be kicking ass. They will pown the world's markets and probably make us all thier slaves. The good news is that in the meantime, no one wants to invade us, because its so hot. So.. enjoy your freedom.