Jokes
From MidnightWiki
<cw>foul language, sexual innuendo, shitty jokes</cw>
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Heisenberg
It is a well know fact that Schrödinger was having an affair with Heisenberg's wife. The reason for Heisenberg's wife's unfaithfulness was not only that Schrödinger was a super-stud, but also because Heisenberg was notoriously bad in bed; whenever he could find the time he just didn't have the energy.
Funny One Liners
How come Santa's sack is full?
- Because he only comes once a year.
Bush and the Brazilians
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands...
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Finally, the president looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
Nono...the punch-line is "How much is a brazillion?"...that way it has a double meaning...1) brazillion meaning an amount 2) how much is a brazillion wax
Bar Jokes
- Jesus walks into an inn carrying 3 nails.
He says to the innkeep "Put me up for the night."
- A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head and the duck says, "Hey, get this guy off my ass"
- A priest, a rabbi, the Pope, Muhammad, and Buddha walk into a bar and the bartenter says "What is this, some kind of joke?"......... Ba Dum Bum... Kishhhhhhh
- A guy walks into a bar and says ow.
I don't get it.
- Two guys walk into a bar. You'd think the second guy would have seen it coming. --Threepaths, 03 June 2006
A man walked in to a bar and ordered 2 bottles of vodka. The bartender asked, "Rough day, huh?" The man replies, "Yeah... I just found out my son was gay." He downs both bottles and leaves. The next day he walks into the bar and orders the same thing. The bartender asks, "Now what happened?" The man drinks the bottles and replies, "I just found out my brother was gay." He paid the man and left. The third day he walks in and orders the same thing. The bartender is perplexed at this point and blurts out, "jeez, doesn't anybody in your family like women?" The man downed both drinks and solemly replied, "Yeah... my wife." - Totle
The Snake Bite
Two buddies were trekkin' through the desert on horseback when they stopped for a break. As one was having a piddle behind a rock, a rattlesnake shot out from nowhere and promptly bit him right on the tip of his member.
Reeling from the shock and pain, he called his buddy. His buddy told him to just lie still and he would race back to the town they just passed, locate a doctor and find out what to do.
In a flash the buddy was off and very quickly he found a doctor. After hearing the predicament, the doctor instructed...
"You must work quickly, time is of the essence if your friend is to live. You must take a sharp knife, make a very small incision at the bite area and suck the poison out. Place your mouth over the wound and gently suck, then spit, suck, then spit. Do this for at least 15 minutes. Now hurry back."
The buddy rode back to his friend, who by this time was barely conscious. He asked weakly, "Well, what did the doctor say?"
"The doctor said you're going to die."
The Fighter Pilot and Marie
by Oceanflower
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms up and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE WORLD DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"
[[ BOXING CLEVER-]]
By Oceanflower
Bill and Hillary are now married 40 years. When they first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her, and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much, and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Hillary was shocked "I'm very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that's not that bad considering the number of years we've been married." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary was still curious "Why do you have all that money in the box?" "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."
OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES'
By oceanflower
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. One day the teacher brought in a great variety of Lifesavers candies, more flavors than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," said the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons, and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey Lifesavers in their mouths, all of the children were stumped. I'll give you hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time." Instantly, one child spat the Lifesaver out of his mouth and yelled, "Spit' em out, you guys !!!! They're assholes!"
One Liners
What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vacuum cleaner?
- Position of the dirtbag.
When asked his opinion on Roe v. Wade, Bush responded, "I don't care how people get out of New Orleans."
What's the difference between Kris Cheng and a Christian?
- One is religious, the other is not.
well, i guess that is true -kris
What;s the difference between a whore and a bitch?
- The whore sleeps with everyone at a party and the bitch sleeps with everyone but you.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What is a pronoun?
A noun that has lost its amateur status
If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
What's the difference between LSD and LDS (Mormonism)?
One ruins your life and one is a drug.
Why do you never take one Mormon fishing?
Because he'll drink all your beer.
